The Great Invaders Fic of Very Ficcish DOOM!
by Yuki KIKI
Summary: Stand in awe as the cast of Invader Zim writes a fanfic of their very own. (It was only a matter of time until Zim entered his own fandom...)
1. Uber Metafiction

A/N: Gee, I can't think of anything even slightly coherent to put in these authors notes at the moment- Let's just call this a test run.

Disclaimer: Though the need to invade does march through my veins like giant radioactive rubberpants, Invader Zim and all other crap mentioned in this fic does not belong to my sad, pitiful being. It looks as though my veins have been denied yet again...

**The Great Invader's Fic of Very Ficcish Doom!**

Chpt 1- _Uber MetaFiction_

In a galaxy far, far away, there existed a great Empire. An Empire that strikes terror into the very hearts of all whom hear its foul name. A cold-blooded dictatorship existing for the sole purpose of universal domination... An Empire of pure Evil. The Irkish Empire was a thing to be truly feared indeed. How many unsuspecting free planets had already been trampled under the iron boot of the highly advanced armies of the Armada? How many free peoples exterminated or enslaved under the sadistic Irken rule? But, as the saying goes, a light shines its brightest in the deepest of black, or something along those lines, I'm not entirely sure actually- I think it was mentioned somewhere while I was watching .hack- However, getting back to the plot- yes, unbeknownst to the mighty Irken armies, deep within the reaches of space, a rebel group was slowly banding. Every torrential flood begins with merely a few drops, a dabble in the barrel, small enough to slip through the fingers of the Irkens iron grasp- However, the foolish, over-confident Empire never even thought to suspect the small rebel group was to be the humble beginnings of the greatest resistance force the army would ever face...

However, seeing as this holds absolutely no relevance to _this_ particular story, we'll just leave it at that.

This story begins on a bright, cheerful sunny day during the last period of a certain Skool (of whichs spelling makes the rest of us sigh wistfully and only wish our current educational facilities were so spiffily titled). The singing of the contented birds in the skies above was lost under the sound of children laughing, singing and dancing as they joined hands with their brethren in joy and friendship. Yes, it was one of those revoltingly perfect days that the hero (villain?) of the story hates with a deep burning passion that burns. The green-skinned alien invader narrowed his eyes at the children playing out on the streets, and found himself desperately wishing a huge car would come by and splatter the lot of the filthy little earth-stinks disgusting, _repulsive_ organs across the road all the way up to the next red light. His lip curled slightly. He swore he could _still_ taste those revoltingly inferior organs in the back of his obviously superior Irken throat. Yes, _obviously_ superior indeed. Ms Bitters was perched ominously behind her desk, her eyes narrowing dangerously (watch kids, how often I'll mention eyes narrowing in this fic! Fear my mighty lack of vocabulary!). A quite hiss as she wrapped around the small boy, er, guy male-alien... thing.

"Zim! What have I told you about making those little sicky noises in the back of your throat during class?"

Now that the setting has been ever so wordily set, we can finally move onto the meat of the fic. Huzzah, this is flowing so smoothly it almost hurts. Yes, take us to the meat...

"The supposed 'tumour' the doctors removed was in fact a hideously deformed human being- The filthy boy had been unknowingly carrying his unborn twin inside of him for the last 16 long years of his wretched, miserable life. From what little information the medical professionals could gather from the rotten lump of malformed flesh, apparently it had been alive for at least 12 years, feeding off of its brothers blood, like some gruesome parasite-"the rasping voice rasped raspily as Ms. Bitters hunched threateningly in her chair, poised to lash out at any student that _dared_ defy her ultimate classroom rules: No talking. No sleeping. No sicky noises. etc. etc. etc.

The green-skinned alien invader found himself half-wishing a huge car would burst through the window and splatter- well, we already read this in the above paragraphs. An absent smile quirked at the corner of Zims lip as he lost himself in his sweet fantasy of screeching tires and breaking glass... It would be a big car- No, a truck, and it would bounce off that Dib-humans unbelievably huge head on the way in... Said Dib-human was currently craning said unbelievably huge head over his desk to glare at the aforementioned alien invader. Zim was up to something, he just knew it. Then again, the _Great Invader _ZIM was _always_ up to something so really this was no huge feat on Dibs part- as a matter of fact, you'd almost expect more with that monstrous cranium...

Both boys (and the authoress) were flung out of their respective thoughts with the shrill ring of the Skool bell. No sooner had Zim hoped out of his disgusting human filth-desk, than Ms. Bitters left the class with one last, chilling sentence:

"Remember, your research paper on quantum physics is expected to be at least 6 pages long- Due tomorrow. Now get out of my class you dirty ingrates." A collective groan escaped as the once skipping- now-trudging students slogged (isn't that the best descriptive word ever?) out of the classroom. Zims shoulders slumped as his lip jutted slightly- He had no time for useless, pathetic, _vile_ and _primitive human science!_ He was ZIM! _ZIM!_ Did the earth-woman not realize what this meant?! Why, he was on a mission here for Irks sake! He had so much more _worthy_ means of dwindling his life away beyond simple, _stupid_ 'research papers'...

_The dull glow of the television screen cast an eerie light about the darkened living room. Upon the faded red couch lay a small android, its limbs flayed out around it as it lay in a perfect, almost death-like stillness. The silence was broken by the sharp clicking of boots on the tiled floor- a sound like gunfire in such a silent tomb. The small green creature casually plopped down beside his robot companion, his large red eyes blinking in the low light as he gingerly tore open the top to his dip-stix candy snack thinger. _

_"What are you watching GIR?"_

_"Scary Monkey."_

_"... That Monkey..." sharp red orbs narrowed dangerously. On screen the monkey bared its teeth with a low growl._

Zims eyes narrowed as he hunched slightly, his claw-like fingers curling into small fists as he grated his teeth. "...That Monkey..." he hissed lightly. The other children in the hall gave him plenty of room. They'd been attending school with the strangely green boy more than long enough to know the warning signs of his eccentric outbursts. His internal fuming however, was quickly interrupted by two of his fellow classmates.

"Oh Sara, don't worry so much about the paper- All you have to do is print a page off the web and badda-bing-badda-boom, perfect score!" The two girls lightly brushed past the hunched form of Zim. A moment of perfect silence- stillness, calm...

Sara was always such a pleasant girl (to the people she liked), forever caring towards others (that she liked), always giving (to those she liked), and permanently there with kind words of praise and encouragement (to those she liked- to those she didn't she was a real bitch, but you didn't hear that from us.) A beautiful flower, just blossoming in the fruits of youth and vitality. She laughed lightly, her friend poking her jokingly in the (spleen!) side. Suddenly a cold hand clamped around her shoulder, whirling her around to meet the freakishly huge (spleen!) eyes of the freakishly green boy that had recently transferred to her class. She snatched her arm away, the Power of the Bitch ™ pumping through her veins like... Giant Radioactive Rubberpants!

"What do you want, freak?" she sneered down her nose at the shorter boy. His eye twitched slightly at the comment. There was a short pause as said 'freak' inhaled deeply.

"_Foolish_ Worm-Female! What is this, this 'web' you speak of- Tell Me! Tell _ZIM!" _His hand clasped in a fist as ominous thunder rolled in the background.

The heavy oak doors burst open with a thunderous boom, the sharp sound startling the other inhabitants of the library from whatever they were all doing. There he stood, a proud silhouette in the doorway, the afternoon sun casting his long dark shadow down before him like some sick mockery of a red carpet. The image would have been slightly more intimidating if the invader had been a bit taller than 4" even. And if he didn't have that rather sore looking handprint imbedded in the side of his green face.

"ZIM... Has arrived!" He boasted loudly, his hands rising as if in offering to himself. The others rolled their eyes in unison as they dully returned to what they'd been doing before. Just another crazy, nothing too unusual- Then again very little could be filed under unusual when compared to that creepy taco-guy that had visited a few weeks ago... But once again, that's another story for another day. Zim puffed his little chest out as he marched between the rows of books and desks (insert squeak noises here), until he stood before the librarian's desk. The librarian poked her head over the side, peering down at the tiny monstrosity that stood below.

"What do _you_ want?" she snarled contemptuously.

"Take me to the 'web' earth-wench!" he barked sharply. The librarian quirked her eyebrow. She'd never met someone who made different body spasms for each word before... And he managed to make them flow together so smoothly to-boot. She dully pointed to the row of computers to her right. He looked over to the computers, then back to her. She pointed again, and again he looked over, then back with that same uncomprehending stare. She pointed again, this time emphasising the gesture with a small growl. Zim gazed over again, then back, his eyebrow raising slowly. "I asked to see this 'web' thing," he stated flatly. "That's a computer." Obviously the poor _senile_ old witch was very... not smart or something. The librarian snarled, her little pointy dentures grinding as she twitchily stood and rather unceremoniously grabbed the stupid little green annoyance by the back of the neck and plopped him down in front of the nearest computer. A gloved hand flailed wildly, smacking the elder woman's hands away.

"You _Dare _Touch _ZIM!?! _HUMAN WRINKLE-STINK!!!" He was silenced with a deep, throaty growl.

"Click _that_ button to connect to the web, you poster child for birth control." Zim blinked, the insult flying right over his head. However, something in the instruction must have snagged onto one of the frayed edges of his human wig, for instead of continuing to stare blankly at the lady, he slowly turned in his spiffy swively chairsy thinger (I love those chairs) to face the computer. The Madness Dog stared soullessly back at him from the screensaver. He repressed a shudder and gingerly clicked the little icon labelled 'Click Here for Web You Worthless Mooching Infidel'.

Loading...

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Loading... (As you all probably have experienced first hand, library computers are really freaking slow, so we'll just throw out the condensed version.)

Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...You Sick of Waiting Yet Mortal? ...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...Loading...

6 MONTHS LATER

The boy spasmed jerkily in a puddle of his own bodily fluids as a spider crawled across his crusted, bloodshot eye (don't ask how contacts can be bloodshot. They just are). A small rubber minimoose gently chewed upon his boot. He was snapped out of his stupor with a loud, obnoxious 'Bing!' noise, his head perking up at the sound.

"Congratulations, User- You Have Made It To 'Loading' Phase 2!" the computer exclaimed in the usual over-dramatized manner we've all grown used to from watching the series. Then the mindless elevator music started up once more.

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Zim screamed.

ANOTHER 6 MONTHS LATER

Zims casual eating of waffles was rudely interrupted by yet another sharp 'Bing!'. He neatly folded his plate and waffles into a small, palm-sized square which he then stored in his boot for later use. The previously mentioned small rubber minimoose had by now fused to the black boot and the hideous mockery of nature blinked up at Zim slowly. The alien invader patted it absently as his gaze returned to the computer screen. His eyes widened in awe at what greeted him. The main page- JaaHoo! The Swedish Search Engine shone brightly upon the dusty screen.

VELCOME, FELLOW TRUSTED 'UMAN!

Velcome To De Largest Collection Of 'Uman Knowledge Ev'a Known To 'Umans! Id Eben Contains Crucial Information Invading Aliens Vould Definitely Vant To Know About Earth's Veaknesses, But Vat's The Likely'ood Ov Zat Ev'a 'Appening? 'A'A'A!

I Am SVEN- Da Vedy Sveadish Search Engine. 'Ow May I 'Elp Joo?

Zim blinked slowly... The largest... collection of... human knowledge... Ever? He could feel it bubbling up from his insides, from deep within the reaches of his squeedily spooch he could feel it. All of this filthy dirt-planets fatal weaknesses, all its deadly flaws were spread out for the taking- Spread out for ZIM! He paused for a moment and wondered if perhaps that bubbly feeling was actually the small rubber minimooseboot absorbing the rest of his leg, but this fear was quickly dispelled with one quick glance downward, after which he threw back his head and cackled. Victory! Victory for Zim! Woota was he ever in the money!

... Now, how did it work?

He narrowed his eyes at the glowing screen, carefully evaluating the primitive computer. Seriously, he'd played with more advanced technology when he was a smeet for crying out loud! He cautiously moved the mouse over... Then typed "Sweden" as a test run, and clicked 'Search Ya!" His mouth gaped at the sheer amount of web results- Why here was everything he could ever possibly want to know about this 'Sweden', if he actually cared enough to know anything about Sweden! He cackled evilly to himself in all his evil invader evilness. Soon, he would be the master of all earths pitiful weaknesses... He swiftly typed "Pitiful Dirt-Planet Earths most Blatant Weaknesses to be Exploited" and grinned as he clicked the cheery yellow 'Search Ya!' buttony-thinger once again...

10 MINUTES LATER

Zim had come to four conclusions.

eBay was definitely _not_ a secret underground weapons base.

Whatever this 'Everquest' was, it had an almost slavish following. Perhaps a feeble minded human religion of some sort?

He would have to do further research into this mysterious 'XXX' phenomenon- for some reason it was 'blocked' on these pathetic library computers... Whatever this 'XXX' held, it must be super top secret and spiffy!

When he took over the earth, he would personally hunt down whatever sick, twisted human scum had created pop-ups and _hurt_ him.

Zim sighed irritably as he propped his head on his hand. This was getting him nowhere! Stupid humans and their Super Protective Annoying Misleads (at least that's what he figured SPAM stood for) overflowing the search engine- He should have known they'd do something to protect their most vital information! He growled quietly. Maybe the web was broken? The minimooseboot made some kind of squelching squeak-foot noise as Zim perked up. Of course! Perhaps his search was too elaborate and _brilliant_ (for it had come from his _amazing_ Irken brain) for the dim-witted human search engine to comprehend. Therefore, he had to try something simple, something easy, something like 'Sweden', only actually worth researching...

Something like... Dib. His eyes narrowed at the thought of his arch-nemesis. The stupid earth boy with the gargantuan head always ruined all his brilliant if-it-weren't-for-Dib-foolproof plans to conquer earth. Him and his... 'paranormal'... stuff. But now, with THIS- this 'web', he could find out all the filthy fool skool-stinks secret weaknesses... and finally be able to destroy the only thing standing in his way of global conquest! _Man_, was he ever smart! No wonder the Tallest had trusted him with such a secret mission!

Search Ya! search 'Dib' kicking into effect!

Searching 'Dib'...

Searching 'Dib'...

1940237 results for search 'Dib'.

Zim blinked... That was a lot of pages dedicated to the human... Maybe some feeble earth religion was dedicated to the Dib-filths stunningly colossal head... Wait a second... What in Irks mighty name was a 'Fanfiction'? Zim paused for a moment before casually shrugging to himself and clicking the link.

Ominous thunder panted heavily in the background, rolling as fast as it could to catch up, wondering how it could have possibly missed its cue.

He knew it! After sifting through some of the 'writings' of this 'Fanfiction' he'd finally figured out what it was- The humans had their own future-showing... thing! No wonder they held this 'web' in such reverence! With this... 'fanfiction' thing, no wonder that stupid Dib always knew how to ruin his brilliant plans! He must have read all about them ahead of time with this future-showing machine and devised a way to stop him! Zim gasped- That must have been how the Dib had seen through his amazing disguise to begin with! That filthy... that filthy cheater! However, this could be used to his advantage, for now he too could read ahead and simply take precautionary measures against the foul human. But this was as unsettling as it was helpful- what if someone else, someone who would actually be a threat stumbled across this 'fanfiction'? Here, where all his deepest secrets were exposed for any web 'surfer' who stumbled across the site to see? No, as useful as it could be, the existence of 'Fanfiction' was too dangerous to leave be- He would have to destroy it somehow, destroy the WEB!

But for the moment, he might as well gain as much information as possible from the site.

...ZADR...? If that wasn't the name of some top secret alien destroying death beam than nothing was. The tiny alien clicked the link, eyes quickly in taking all the information he could.

The librarians head whipped up at the sound, her eyes twitching under the sheer impact. Glass shattered and the unfortunate bystanders that stood too close to the sources heads exploded as that little peculiarly green boy screamed in decibels higher than she had never before thought humanly possible. Dogs for miles around had epileptic seizures and 27 babies and seniors died. Books erupted into flame as eyeballs and eardrums burst. Internal organs ruptured and for years on, the day was referred to as the dreaded 'Screechy Sunday'. Memorial services were held around noon, and students stood for a minute of silence across North America.

Back to the story.

Zim stumbled out into the sunlight on wobbly legs, then collapsed into a twitching, frothing wreck on the sidewalk. His small figure was barely noticeable amidst the carnage and destruction, his piteous cries lost beneath the wailing sirens of ambulances and fire trucks.

Miles away, Dibs juice box blew up as he felt a huge wave of gut wrenching dread wash over him.

Deep, deep down in a certain secret underground base, a small quivering being we've all come to know and love named Zim cowered in a far corner. He muttered quietly to himself as he shook his head, whimpering, simpering, any other descriptive words with 'ping' used to portray a pretty sad picture. He hadn't eaten in days, he hadn't ventured outside, he hadn't even tried communicating with GIR- he couldn't let them see him, he didn't want all of them looking at him. Looking at him with their _eyes_. He especially didn't want to face that human- that- that, oh he dare not speak his name! That hideous creature! Oh say what the Fanfiction spoke wasn't true! It couldn't be! He would never, _never_- urg! He desperately scrubbed at his arms. He felt so _dirty_- but the dirt, the dirt wouldn't go away!

GIR happily munched on his 4 hundredth burrito. It was just so warm and gooey... He paused for a moment as he heard another distant scream from deep down below the floor. Master Zim wasn't happy. It sounded like he needed a hug. GIR turned to hop down the elevator- but the pull of his remaining snack foods was strong. He turned back and forth, obviously torn. His little antenna drooped. A pause, and then the little robot hurled itself back into the burritos with a high pitched squeal. Zim would always be around, and he would always be grumpy. Burritos however, wouldn't always be so nice and warm... And cold burritos weren't fun, like possums in the summer night. Yes. Like possums... er, possums in speedos? Possums in bananas! Oohh... He wanted a banana... Oh yeah! Scary Monkey would be on soon!

And thus Zim is promptly forgotten by his android companion.

And thus I bring this chapter to a screeching halt. For this fic has reached monstrous proportions, and all of whoms left eyes must be bleeding by now after being subjected to my horrendous typing skills for so long.

.....

(Insert Dr. Membrane Voice Here:)

_On the Next Episode of '**The Great Invader's Fic of Very Ficcish Doom!**', Zim finally figures out what a fanfic really is! Imagine, taking 2 freaking chapters just to figure out fandom- What a moron! Anyways, Zim decides to exact his revenge upon the fan community with his own COUNTER FIC! Oh horror of horrors- Can the fan world survive the mighty wrath of ZIM? Find out Next time! Same ZIM time- Same ZIM channel! _

(GIR Voice-over)

_Now check this out! (Boom Boxes)_

.....

Ending Rant.

Well, I've edited out the most blatant mistakes of this chapter. Hopefully I don't lose any reviews when I replace the them.

Just as an ending note, this idea technically doesn't belong to me- I stumbled across a fic about the characters writing a fic once before... I think it was from Fushigi Yugi, but I could be wrong. Besides, from what I remember it was kinda... not good. ; But then again, this isn't great either so huzzah- the bad fiction spreads.

R&R please- Constructive criticism is accepted and greatly appreciated.


	2. Irken Mad Writing Skillz

AN: Whoa... This fic already has the most reviews I have _ever_ gotten for a fic on the first chapter _alone_. o.O Whoa... I feel so special. Thanks to everyone who pointed out my rather retarded, blatant errors in the first chapter (smeet/skeet & Irken/Irkian)- Heh, doesn't that do wonders for making me look like a drunken dyslexic monkey behind the keyboard. (Bashes head against table for a while). Forgive my stupidity. Anyhoo, onto the fic!

Disclaimer: Do drunken dyslexic monkeys own _anything _(besides their Cuban cigars and cheap wine)? I didn't think so.

**The Great Invaders Fic of Very Ficcish DOOM!**

_Chpt 2- Irken Mad Writing Skillz (Zim Lays it on Reeeal Thick)_

Darkness. Desolation. Despair. He could feel it, his last grips on the frayed edges of sanity slowly slipping through his fumbling fingers as he sunk, deeper and deeper into the cesspool of rot that was his mind. No... It simply couldn't... He would never... But the Fanfiction, the Fanfiction _never_ lied. Oh cruellest of fates, how could this be?! How could he, a great Irken Invader fall to such... such a _low_ as to- No! There had to be some mistake, some... _thing_. Really, he just... He didn't even _have_ reproductive organs for Irks sake! But the Fanfiction... the _Fanfiction_...!!!

Zim was brought from his dark thoughts by a distant squealing. At first he kinda thought it was the pressure in his head finally ready to explode in a rather messy splatter of Irk-Brain, but this theory was dispelled once it became distinctly clear... Zim gasped as he glanced at the conveniently placed half-full (empty for all you pessimists) glass of Space Soda ™- the fluid rippled ominously with each heart-stopping thud. It was coming closer... closer... He could hear it now, moving down the chute to his lab with inhuman speeds- The 'squeal' slowly morphing into the word "Tacoooooo" dragged out for insane lengths... Until suddenly-

"Argh! GIR! Get Off My Head! Can't you see you're _Ruining_ a perfectly good angst scene?!- Nyeee! YukUkUk! What have I Told you about eating that Earth _Filth_? You're all- All _Beany_!"

"I Wuv You!"

"Graaah! The Taco Sauce! It _Burns_!" the green invader bucked madly, flinging the small, clingy android off his large alien head and quickly retreating to a far corner, scowling darkly after having his nice, gloomy sulk so rudely interrupted.

"Aww, someone needs a hug!" the tiny demented SIR bot squeaked cutely as he wobbled over to his beloved, grumpy master, his little arms open to embrace the rather not-cuddly alien. (How cute! We'll just dutifully forget to mention the burrito remains dripping off him...)

"No! No GIR, Bad! I do _not_ need a- a" he paused for a moment, his face twisting like he had some horrid taste in his mouth "_hug._" Zim spat contemptuously. "Right now I just _need_ to be left _alone_ so I can properly rot within the depths of my mind for the sick pleasure of all these dirty stink-beasts!"

"...What stink beasts master?"

"I... Don't know..." Zim and GIR paused in their slight domestic disagreement, eyes nervously glancing about the room as they both simultaneously got the distinct, sinking feeling that someone, or something was _reading_ them...

"Fanfiction..." Zim whispered quietly to himself, shuddering in horror. GIRs teal eyes suddenly lit up, his cute pink little tongue lolling out the corner of his upturned lips (do robots have lips?).

"I like fanfiction..." Zim whipped around to stare incredulously at his malfunctioning SIR unit, his mouth gapping slightly. His what-would-be-eyebrow quirked as he gazed at the small, bean-covered android. 'Advanced' indeed.

"GIR, do you even know what 'fanfiction' is?" a pause.

"I do." GIR smiled so wide it looked like his face was about to split. "I loveded the little ficcies. I read 'em for Scary Monkey all the time!" he chirped happily with his usual bubbly air of complete and total inattentive bliss. Zim blinked down at the small unit before it continued. "I even write some sometimes!" he smiled up at his masters disbelief.

"GIR... How can you write fanfiction...? Unless-!" suddenly the green alien gasped, his eyes widening as the gears churned in his mind "Unless... You are a future-predicting device thingie too!" he cried, one black, gloved claw pointing accusingly at the shorter robot. GIR blinked up at him. Perfect silence, until...

"...I am." GIR purred cutely, the little pink tongue once again appearing.

Crickets chirped.

"Gah! Master! Your _ears_ ran away!" GIR suddenly exclaimed, panic rising in his voice as he pointed disbelievingly at his masters large, green, earless head. Zim gave him a blank look. "We have to find them! Don't worry master, I'll find the- Aiiee! My _toes_ are gone too!" the little androids clear teal eyes began to water, the fluid dripping down his suddenly miserable face. "My toesies..." he sniffed lightly. Zim, not for the first time, idly wondered just how GIR could do that, seeing as last time he checked, the little robot didn't _have_ tear ducts. He then made a mental note to examine this phenomenon later. (A mental note he would promptly forget about later, as he often did.) For now, however... The invaders eyes narrowed dangerously, that deep suspicion that someone had just made a very big fool out of him beginning to nag at the corner of his mind.

In a cramped dark room, illuminated only by a large computer screen Zim hunched in his curved chair, eyes glowing a demonic red in the low light.

"Computer, tell me about this... 'Fanfiction'."

"Fanfiction. Slang- Fanfic, Fic, Ficcie, etc. A piece of literature written by creepy over-obsessed fans using the characters from a certain series and placing them in original situations outside of the intended plot. Holds absolutely no relevance to the actual series and is most definitely not anything that should be even considered a future-predicting device thingie. Nope. Nein. Nada. Negatory. You would have to be a complete and total moron to believe so." The computer droned in a perfectly pleasant and polite tone.

"...So... It's _not_ some kind of future-predicting machine?"

"Nope."

"You sure?"

"That's what I said."

"That... That human _filth!"_ He hissed ominously, no longer talking to the computer. The computer rolled its non-existent eyes at its masters denseness before returning to watch its Soaps.Zims eyes narrowed into murderous crimson slits, venom practically oozing from his visage, his teeth grating dangerously. "How _dare_ they demean Me- _ZIM_- into performing some _sick_, _horrid_, and _perversely bizarre_ kind of Mating Ritual! With the even more _revolting_ Dib-creature!" he paused for a short bout of hyperventilation before continuing lowly. "Those _hideous _creatures... This... _Fanfiction_, getting in the way of Zims _Mission_!" he gasped suddenly "The mission! I haven't reported in! My Tallests must be growing worried!"

Meanwhile, on the Massive, our two favourite Tallests (currently the two _only_ Tallests) were leaned forward in their seats, muscles taut and faces set into a grimace, focusing all their energies into the life-and-death display playing out before their eyes. Yes, they were deeply involved in the infamously challenging grips of a game, a horrid, horrid game....

Blip.

Blip.

Blip.

Blook!

"WOOTA! Sweet Pongish Victory is MINE!" Red pumped his arms into the air triumphantly before turning to Purple with relish. Now came his favourite part of the game- rubbing it in. "What's the matter hm? It didn't seem like your heart was in it this time..." he drawled smugly over at his co-leader. Purple smoothed a two-fingered hand through his antenna thoughtfully before slowly turning to Red, his look of... concern(?!) drawing the other leader from his playful mood.

"Red... Do you ever get this feeling like... I dunno, something's missing?"

"You mean like an ominous feeling of impending doom?"

"No. I'd say it's more like a deep feeling of... relief. Like some great weight has been lifted off your shoulders."

"You know Purple... Now that you mention it, I do..."

Both Tallests paused in a moment of sombre thought. Red slurped his Space Soda ™ in contemplation for a while until Purple again broke the silence.

"Yeah, and you know that nasty molty-rash thing I got- It looks like the skin is beginning to grow back!" He chirped cheerfully as he thrust his armpit into Reds face for emphasis.

"Ah dude! No! Get that _away_ from me! I'm trying to _eat_ here!"

Back on earth, Zim was developing a _plan_.

Now, I think I should take the liberty here to explain the difference between a plan, and a _plan_. A plan is basically just your usual, everyday plot. You plan a birthday party. You plan a surprise party. You plan a bank robbery. You plan to kill your spouse to get their life insurance. Blah blah blah. A plan is just your everyday, mundane, nothing special thing. A _plan_ is something _extraordinary_. A _plan_ is something so very _amazing_, so _earth-shaking_, so _destiny-altering_, so super _spiffy_ one can only _attempt_ to emphasize its _astoundingness_ using italics.

...Well, okay, Zims idea wasn't quite as remarkable as all that.

Zim had a plan. A devious plan that would certainly shake the fanfiction world to its very core. A plan that would surely make all the slash fangirls heads explode. A plan that just might make the entire fandom spontaneously combust from the sheer amount of _greatness_ poured into it all at once.

Zim would write... a COUNTER FIC!

For he was ZIM, and he was just that great. He leered evilly down at the keyboard laid lavishly out before him, he could feel his giant multi-coloured alien plot-bunnies already itching beneath the surface- His muses at work. And oh were they musing... Oh such musing they were! His fingers flew across the keyboard, the swift, mindless clacking only interrupted by the mandatory maniacal laughter that must be included at least once every chapter. And one just had to stop, tilt their head to the side and let loose a low whistle of admiration at just how fast he could type with only three digits...

ï  Zims Fic... Be Afraid ï

Once upon a time, during a dark and stormy night (Not stormy like rainy-stormy, but stormy like, you know, thundering-ominous-booming stormy night of DOOM stormy) the vile, evil, despicable, contemptible, depraved, base, degraded, low, wicked, abominable, loathsome, foul (Zim found his handy-dandy 'Thesaurus' option on his toolbar) stink-beast Dib was walking home from the skool. Then he exploded and died. DIED! Gone forever, because he is pathetic and weak and made up of pitiful squishy flesh-meats! Take THAT human scum!

And then the great, wonderful, fantastic, magnificent, excellent, terrific, cool, groovy, good (Zim gritted his teeth. How _dare_ there be more synonyms for Dibs descriptive word than _his_?) all around just spiffy and superior in every way shape and form Irken Invader ZIM pointed and laughed at the Dibs smokey remains that smelt vaguely like burnt weenies. Then ZIM burnt the remains and stirred them in the dirt. Then he burnt the dirt and went home and unleashed his ultimate plan for planetary domination! He blasted the disgusting, filthy dirt-planets surface with a big... scary death beam... thing and all the foolish infidel humans were running around like

"OMG what is going on!"

And the suave, handsome, noble Invader ZIM laughed at their patheticness, because they were all so very pathetic. And then the Dib-beast somehow revived and tried to stop ZIMs brilliant plans, but failed because he was twice as useless as the rest of his disgusting population, so he was like

"Oh ZIM, how could I, a simple-minded, revolting, disgusting, repellent, repulsive, sickening, nauseating, horrible, horrendous, awful, dreadful, horrid creature ever think I could stand against such an obviously untouchable, Godly genius like you? I am nothing more than an insignificant worm! I am not worthy of even licking the dust off the bottom of your mighty boots that I now throw myself down before! Oh how delusional and stupid I was to ever even think of defying you, oh Great One! Please, I beg of you, end my irritating existence, for I simply cannot live knowing I ever dared bring shame upon my superior, my Lord and Master ZIM!" and he grovelled and begged and burst into tears and all that crap. And ZIM cackled from where he sat on his huge earth-ruling throne and he was like

"Dib filth, you suck!" And then ZIM zapped the annoying pest with super lightning from his fingertips and the Dib-humans brain fried in that grotesquely huge head of his and he died again.

And then ZIMs big scary death beam hit the guy that created pop-up adds and he died. And then the beam hit all the squeally slashy fangirls and they all died too. And then the worm-baby Dib randomly came back to life so ZIM could have the satisfaction of blowing him up again. And then the Tallests were like

"Gee ZIM, you did a real spiffarific job cleaning off that planet! We're so gosh-darned proud of you we're going to make you our second (third?) in command and devote the planet to your greatness! We'll call in 'Planet ZIMtopia', and we'll build a great big statue of you there so all the people across the galaxy can come and revel in your amazingness!" and ZIM was like

"But of course! I wouldn't expect any less from someone as mind-blowingly impressive as me!"

And then ZIM grew another two feet. And Dirt-Dib revived again, so ZIM splattered his squidgy human filth zombie organs all over the floor. And GIR was all like

"Geez master, you are so grooving and with it, I will from now on obey your every command without question like a good little SIR unit." And Zim was like

"Yea dat's cool."

Then the Dib-worm revived once more and the almighty ZIM curb-stomped him, and he died again for good because ZIM would never, ever ever ever ever even consider indulging in any horrible and creepy disgusting mating ritual with him. Ever. Not even if he was really drunk.

And then

ï  End Writing ï

Zims head whipped up at the sudden blaring noise, started by the unexpected jolt from his thoughts.

"Warning! Security Breech!" the computer boomed loudly as his face was illuminated by bursting red lights. He growled irritably as he stood up and haphazardly threw on his disguise. If it was that horrid Dib human trying to get his stupid 'photographic evidence' again, he would _not_ be responsible for what happened. With a huff of finality, he boarded the elevator to the main floor.

Deep within the silence of the lab the green invader had just left, a pair of softly glowing red eyes peered at the dull screen from behind an anonymous piece of machinery- the periodic flashing of the little cursor an invitation most difficult to resist...

Ah cliffhangers, gotta love 'em eh?

.....

(Dr. Membrane voice again)

_On the Next Episode of '**The Great Invader's Fic of Very Ficcish Doom!**', everyones favorite little dysfunctional SIR unit takes action! Beware little GIR, the fanfic tempts you! But what will Zim say when he finds his 'masterpiece' (in the loosest sense of the word) has been tampered with? Find out this, and more, next time! Same ZIM time- Same ZIM channel! Because-_

(Purple voice-over)

_It's not stupid, it's advaaanced!_

.....

Ending Rant.

Wow. Really got the Dib hate going on in this chapter... I should probably add here that I have absolutely nothing against Dib, he's actually one of my favorite characters from the series. It's just... Zims perspective... This chapter was also quite a bit more... Brutal. And not funny. Hopefully the next chapter balances things out a bit. Poor Dib. Ah well, just wait until good ole Dib gets behind the keyboard... Then all shall be paid back in full...


	3. GIR Takes a Shot

A/N: Nothing too spectacular to mention here. Once again thanks to all in whom reviewed. I shower you with gratitude. If I had any idea where any of you lived I'd buy you a beer. But I don't (and I'm broke) so nyah.

Oh, and a special yahoo goes out to The Architect MkII- I must say I also tend to agree with your opinion XD (However, if done tastefully, I don't mind an occasional pairing fic. Keyword: _Tastefully_.)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything mentioned in this fic. What? You expected something witty? Try this: A priest, a rabbi, and a duck all walked into a bar. The bartender gaped and exclaimed, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

...Just read the fic -.-

**The Great Invaders Fic of Very Ficcish DOOM!**

_Chpt 3: GIR Takes a Shot (And Misses)_

Lights flashed by slowly, almost eerily as Zim rode the elevator up to the main floor, his eyes closed and arms crossed loosely across his chest in a cool façade of calm. Internally, despite his rather collected appearance, was quite a different story.

He huffed lightly- In all honesty; he was rather torn between two very strong emotions... Emotions tied to the Dib-human. On one hand, he didn't want to see _it_ for a very, _very_ long time so shortly after _reading_ more about the human scum than he ever, ever, _ever_ wanted to know thanks to the dreaded fanfiction. On the other hand however, was his deep yearning to see the human... If only the filthy Dib-beast could possible comprehend just how badly Zim _desired_ him... of _pummeling_ his ugly, dirty, gross stink-face until it reached the consistency of _applesauce_. The green invader grinned cutely, little happy squeaks just barely escaping the confines of his throat, his eyes still closed and his hands twitching slightly as he daydreamed of strangling that hopeless little filth-monster. Oh, but how would he do it? Fast and easy, or sloooow and oh-so satisfying? Maybe he would wriggle it back and forth... For some reason imagining Zim strangling Dib (with his rather oversized head and toothpick like neck) brings a bobble-head doll to mind... A Dib bobble-head with an "I'm in Excruciating Pain" look painted on it's little bobbly face... Or perhaps a "For the Love of God My Anus is Bleeding" look...

But getting back to the story. Gee, it's really taking Zim a long time to reach the main floor, ain't it? Let's just say he was on the lowest level of his lab. Ya' know, the one where if he listens very closely, he can faintly make out the sound of people speaking Chinese somewhere nearby... And thus I take the story off track again...

With a barely audible 'click' the end-tables legs propped up, the rest of it inclined sharply, lifting off the floor as it opened with a menacing hiss. Zim had (finally) emerged into his living room. He crouched into an attack position, eyes snapping open and quickly searching around the room for any signs of the intruder. Adrenaline (or whatever the Irken equivalent happens to be) pumped through his veins, heightening his senses as he automatically slipped back to the Invader training of his youth.

Ceiling. Clear.

Windows. Clear.

Holes in Floor? Nope.

Holes in... Walls perhaps? Nada.

Zim fell out of his defensive, dramatic stance, a perplexing look pulling at his green features as he glanced around, searching for any sneaky underhanded means of sneaking sneakily into his if-it-weren't-for-Dib-impenetrable fortress. He peaked over into the kitchen... Nope, clean... He absently scratched at his wig. Now where could that little monster be...?

"Hey Zim!"

"What the-? You Stink-Human that _Stinks_! How in the _Mighty_ Name of Irk did you get in through the _Front Doo-_?!"

FLASH!

"ARGH! My Glorious Superior Eyeballs!" Zim squealed and hissed as he desperately scrubbed his burning eyes. The familiar flash of Dibs little pocket camera blinding the alien invader. Again. Dib sneered darkly as he waved his camera victoriously above his head.

"Take _That_ Space-Boy! Once I get these developed, I'm going to send them in to-"his usual, mandatory savior-the-world speech™ however, was rudely interrupted by a low cackling from the hunched green figure crouched beneath the end-table. Dib blinked as he glanced around nervously, the hand holding the camera slowly dropping to his side as Zims dark laugh rose in volume and pitch. The alien stood up, his head thrown back as he laughed throatily, sickly, _evilly_. Suddenly his head pitched forward, the laughter stopping instantly. He absently rubbed an eye as he took one threatening step forward.

"Poor little _Dib_..." he purred. It would have almost sounded affectionate if it weren't for the pure venom dripping off each word. "I suppose your _pathetic_ human eyes aren't working properly, so I'll just point out the _obvious_ here." He paused for dramatic effect. "In case you haven't noticed- I'm wearing my _brilliant_ disguise!" He flailed his arms a bit, once again, for effect as he giggled almost giddily. "You've done nothing but _waste_ your precious... film!" he spat before shooting the human a superior grin. "ZIM reigns VICTORIOUS!" He waited for the human to fall to his knees and grovel for his life.

Nothing. Dibs face was completely blank, his gaze absent, dull, those amber eyes seeming to stare straight through Zim. The alien blinked as his arms dropped heavily to his sides once again. Well, this wasn't really what he expected...

"Uh... Dib-worm?"

Nothing. Perhaps his genius was too much for the stink and he fainted on his feet?

"Human?"

Still nothing. Zim crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently as he shot the intruder an annoyed look.

Zilch.

"Do Not Ignore Me! RESPOND TO ZIM!" he screeched, clawing the air as the pupils of his contacts dilated. Zim did _not _appreciate being disregarded so easily. The Dibs head twitched grotesquely on his neck suddenly with a soft '_zzzt_' sound.

"Sooo... You _are_ wearing you crummy '_zzzt_' crummy little disguise for once Zim?" He smiled threateningly, his head dipping so the shadows caught it just right to create that spooky effect (he'd had lots of practice). "Well, that's nothing my trusty Photo Editor can't fix'_zzzt_'!" Dibs head did that weird little twitch thing again as he continued "Then it's just a quick trip to Mys'_zzzt_'rous Mys'_zzzt_'er- che_'zzzt_' and then an autopsy table! Muwahaha! '_zzzt_' Muwahaha! '_zzzt_' Muwahaha!" the Dib-beast cackled (zzzt-ed?) as he turned and jerkily marched through the (closed) door and past the gnome-field, lasers bouncing harmlessly off his petite body as he swaggered through the lawn. Zim gasped in horror- Somehow the Dib-human had developed an immunity to doors and lasers! And what about that- that 'Photo Editor' that could supposedly see through his disguise? Who knew what sort of ghastly device it was!

"GIR!" he barked as he swiftly spun upon his heel. The small android dropped down from the ceiling with a metallic clunk, his eyes glowing a deep crimson as he saluted his owner. (I am well aware that he was in the labs in the last chapter. He got up to the main floor with the use of... Magical leprechauns...) "GIR, I am going in pursuit of the vile Dib-creature." Zim stated as he marched across the room and pulled a secret lever beside the TV. The screen covered in static as it slowly split with a painful groan. Inside held row after row after pant-wettening row of scary, painful looking alien weaponry of death, doom and destruction. Zims eyes narrowed in thought as he sifted through his granddaddy of all armories in search for the perfect Dib-hunting device. He casually loaded several particularly excruciating looking devices into his pak as he nonchalantly continued to talk "I need you to stay here and guard the base. Let NO ONE in GIR. Not even the Pizza Guy." Zim staggered over to the door, swaying under the weight of the rather oversized bazooka-canon thing strapped to his back. He paused for a moment as he stood on the threshold (or maybe he was waiting for the pain to subside after pulling something the _very_ wrong way when kicking open the door) and added over his shoulder almost as an afterthought. "And whatever you do GIR, don't touch the computer!" And with those parting words, he disappeared into the night.

Upon the floor, GIR lifted both legs and grasped his feet, kicking back and forth as he swayed to his soft, bubbly song.

"Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring... BananaPhone..."

Crouched behind the darkness of the overstuffed couch Dib gaped at the sheer amount of death-machines the alien had stored behind his TV screen and quietly shuddered. He certainly didn't envy the Dib-bot Zim himself had created right now (remember 'Future Dib'- I incorporate elements from the series! Fear my background research!). Argh! He knew he should have paid more attention to its sound chip! "Mistress Mr. Cheese?" That sounded like a pole-dancing transvestites stage name! Oh well, the robot had served its purpose (albeit badly, but still served) He was in! ... Now all he had to do was wait for Zims little android slave thingy to... go... somewhere... else...

"I've got this feeling- So appealing, For us to get together and sing- SING!" the malfunctioning SIR unit squeaked as he pulled a little rubber piggy from... somewhere and proceeded to 'dance' with it. "Oh Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring... BananaPhoooone!"

3 HOURS LATER

After finishing several full punk rock, swing, country, R&B/hip hop, opera, metal, jazz, and wingdings 'BananaPhone' remixes, GIR decided it was about time to do a 'BananaPhone' techno remix.

Behind the couch, Dib twitched. He tried to block out the small android by focusing on the sound of distant explosions. Suddenly, the Dib-bots fate seemed almost appealing...

Suddenly, GIR stopped in mid (insert techno-ie noise here), his little cyan eyes narrowing and shading to dangerous red. Master Zim had given him specific orders... His eyes narrowed further. He could not disappoint Master Zim! Master Zims word was law!

...But what...? His face scrunched as he silently cursed his bubbly, insane half for not paying closer attention. What had Master Zims orders been?! He silently rewound, replaying the jumbled, disconnected bits of the last three hours through his mind... Master Zim arming himself- Standing in the doorway- Something... Something about... the Computer...?

"Ooooo! I know! I know!" a bouncy voice chirped at the back of his mind, he instinctively bristled as he felt his _lesser_ half begin gnawing away at the edges of his consciousness. Not now! Master Zims orders-!

Red faded slowly, the little robots body visibly relaxing as his little pink tongue slipped out. Yeah, he remembered masters orders, much better than the other one. Yep. No wonder master loveded him more! His head tilted to the side, his other distantly pushing the importance of the Mission and Master Zims orders upon the teal GIR. His little eyes squinted as he tried to piece together his jumbled memories....

_Master stood in his disguise, a huge grin lighting up his usually scowling face. He lifted his hand to show a fat, over-stuffed green bumbly-bee type stuffed animal thing resembling his normal Irken appearance._

"_Now GIR," he squeaked in a too-high-I've-been-sucking-helium voice, the little dolls head bobbing to indicate it was the one supposedly 'talking' "I'm going over to the Dib-humans base to play Street Fighter, and it would make me really super-duper happy if you'd watch the computer for me!" Master made the little stuffy wave goodbye and gently placed it on the floor as he began floating backwards towards the door._

_GIR waved bye-bye._

_A moment passed. GIR poked the little stuffy. The stuffy roared and imploded._

Dib craned his (gargantuan) head slightly out from behind the couch to stare at the small android in confusion once the dreadful 'BananaPhone' finally came to an end. What now? It was just... standing there, like it was thinking... But Dib knew better than to suspect that occurrence- he'd been stalking Zim more than long enough to be quite well informed on the functions (or shall we say 'malfunctions') of the small robot. Then what was it doing? Perhaps it had burned itself out...?

"I GETTA GO PLAY ON DE COMPUTER!" it squealed in absolute delight, shattering a window and forcing Dib to hurl himself back behind the couch, desperately clutching his bleeding ear. GIR swept up his beloved rubber piggy, paused momentarily to squeeze it and giggle, before skipping down into the labs. Once again courtesy of the Magical leprechauns. Mmyep.

We'll just skip the magical journey to another dimension and the battle to save Middle Earth.

IN THE LAB

GIR casually flicked his trusty Sting into the 'discard' pile (to accompany the grand majority of Zims experiments) as he wobbled over to the computer, humming a soft tune under his breath as he went. He paused at the keyboard to struggle out of the heavy cape and rather oversized 'Noble GIR- Savior of Gondor' sash. These soon also made their way to the 'discard' pile. Along with that shiny ring-thinger that other guy gave him. Ah well, enough with the Lord of the Rings rips, back to the plot (or what sad shambles there happens to be left of it).

Now, what were masters orders again...? He chewed thoughtfully on the banner as his mind drifted back, back.. back...

_A wide, open grassy field, scenery obscured by nothing but a lone bush off to the side as several random members of the Invader Zim cast (and, strangely, a 7 foot tall piece of broccoli) danced merrily to the never ending chant of "BadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadger- Mushroom, MushROOM!" Oh well, at least the beat was catchy..._

GIR giggled and happily bounced to the music in his head for a few moments, easily getting caught up in the cheery, strangely addictive tune.

"_BadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadger- Mushroom, CompuTER!"_

Oh yeaaaa... The computer. The small android shook himself out of his stupor and focused his eyes on the screen. It took him a moment to figure out what it was, but it wasn't long before his face split into a huge grin- He remembered now! Master needed his help with writing his little nifty ficcie! (Because no offense, but master couldn't write very good...) GIR plopped down in the cushy chair and briefly stretched his arms, then frowned. Stupid opposable digits... He bet they were hiding out somewhere with his toes! He clenched his little mitt-like hands for emphasis. Ah well, what can ya do? He shrugged to himself before ducking over the keyboard, eyes glowing deep red as he began typing, one agonizingly slow letter at a time...

GIRs Fic ïƒŸ

gir walked into teh rum w/ his rubber piggy and saw master looking al sad and unhoppy-like.

'aw master wats wrong w/ u?' said gir.

'the goverment dookied up my tax return and now i am so very upset by the hole matter.' said master.

'i now wat wil cheer u up master!!!!!!11!!! sniff dis permanent felt marker. its mildly titling odor wil ease ur stressed mind n sooth ur tormented soul!!!!!111!!!2' said gir n gir gave master his felt penny-tinger n master sniffed it.

'wow gir, u r write!!!! i fell sooo much better now, let us go frolik in teh conveniently placed field of daisyes behind the house and sing infuriating, mind-numbing songs we learned from annoying internet flash videos!!!!!!!!!!!!11111' said master so thy went to the field of daisyes n they al (all as in _all_, even the Tallests. Even Angry Monkey. Even the 7 foot tall broccoli.) danced togeter n sang the kenya song and the final fantasy song and redid the hole my spoon iz to big thinger n they wer al so hapy. N hen the backgrond feel back n they wer al dressed up brodway-ish n they all sang n danced n the audience humans loveded dem. they loveded them god.

then sudenly a big meteora feel fr the ski and hit the gib human in the hed, cause his hed is sooooo big u cant miss it. dib feel over n cried n everyon was sad.

'i can sea death!!!!!111one!!! it smells like pinapples!!!!!!2345!!!' said dib.

n thn he died n every1 was runing don this big scary hall.

'i dont now how we got in this big scary hall or why we r runing but i am so scared!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!' said the scary girl dib human sister.

oooo is gettin scary now huh? lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!

n then just as they wer getting to the end of the hall-

End GIRs Fic ïƒŸ

The little android perked up as he felt his communicator thingie vibrate- master was calling! He hopped down from the seat as his head popped open, the familiar panicked face fizzing into view.

"GIR! I have defeated the surprisingly heavily armed Dib-filth, but somehow he has implanted a nuclear warhead in his chest! It's set to go off in 5 minutes! GIR, I _need_ you to bring my tool kit to me _now_ so I can disarm it, or we'll all be DOOOOMED!"

"YAAAAY!"

"...No GIR, that's bad."

"...oh."

"Now bring me my kit GIR, the fate of _Zim_ depends on it!"

Teal switched to crimson immediately "Yes my Lord!" With that he blasted up the elevator to the main floor. If it was one thing both GIRs agreed on, it was that the red one tended to handle these types of situations better.

(But master still loveded the cyan one better...)

(Does not.)

(Does too.)

(Does not.)

(Does tooooooo.)

(You're an idiot.)

(You tired to eat master.)

(I did not, it was a-)

(With French fries!)

(What he was doing was counter productive to the mission-)

(An' a Classic Poop!)

(I'm sure we could have worked something-)

(An' Worchester sauce!)

(... Worchester sauce?)

(Prof. Membrane. Again.)

_On the next episode of __'**The Great Invader's Fic of Very Ficcish Doom!**', wait a second, how did I get suckered into being the announcer guy for these ending credit things? _

(Keef voiceover)

_On the next episode of __'**The Great Invader's Fic of Very Ficcish Doom!'**, Dib gets to see the fic, and how many times my bestest buddy Zim and GIR killed him. Poor Dib, he's just so unstable and sad. All he really needs is a friend! I could be his friend, I just don't understand why he keeps screaming whenever I try talking to him, I mean, I'm sure it's just cause he's shy and just a bit insane, but I'm sure he'd get over that too it he had a good bestest friend-_

( End Credits -.-)

(Keef. Again)

_What? You don't like waffles?_

Ending Rant.

Urg. This chapter is even more painful than the last. GIR may be cute, but he's a royal pain to write (that's why you get jacked with the pathetically short GIR fic). Otherwise not much to add. Actually, I remember wanting to mention something, but I forget now...


	4. Revenge of the BigHeaded Earth Boy

A/N: Well, after putting out such a horrible previous chapter (and horrible it was), hopefully this will make up for it somewhat. In all honesty I've been kinda looking forward to writing this one XD Yay Dibness! And with my recent acquisition of the second IZ DVD set, I am thus further inspired! If this chapter isn't awe-inspiringly amazing then I'll surely die a slow and horrible death due to... _old age_! (Eventually)

Once again huge thankies go out to all the wonderful reviewers, it is you guys that keep me locked up in my basement in front of my computer instead of terrorizing the general populous- Thus doing your part in making the world a better place! Now get out there and rescue some baby seals or something you lot of filthy do-gooders... Blarg, long time, no update- Curse you, accursed Writers Block! Curse You!

Disclaimer:

Dibs head is big 

_Zims arms are thin_

_I'm mighty blue_

'_Cause Jhonen owns Invader Zim_

**The Great Invaders Fic of Very Ficcish DOOM!**

_Chpt 4: Revenge of the Big-Headed Earth Boy (Dib Lays it on Reeeal Thick)_

Silence. Darkness. Warmth. The small earth boy lay curled into a small ball tucked away in the dusty, cramped crevice behind the couch of his mortal enemy. He felt almost as though he were floating, drifting beyond the harsh realities of todays heartless society and the selfish minds churning behind its workings. Beyond the cruelty of his sister and the cold, painful rejection of his father (he wondered if they even knew how deeply they hurt him, or if they did would they even care? Would anyone?). Beyond himself and his own fragile limitations. He could see himself dimly, as if through an elongated tunnel- He looked so small, so fragile, a child forced to grow up long before his time. He was so pale... Pale as death... He could feel it distantly, the slow, steady throb of his heart, the soft beating almost a poetic lullaby... But it was okay, this was okay, he didn't want to return to that cold faceless world, he didn't need to- No one would miss him there anyway... Here (tucked neatly behind Zims couch) was where he belonged. Here (tucked neatly behind Zims couch) he was finally _free_...

...What kind of creepy alien dust spore did Zim shed behind here anyway? Dib quickly shook himself out of his daze and shuddered in revulsion. Oh no, hallucinations and/or out of body experiences were definitely _not_ typical symptoms of inhaling too much _human_ dust/shed skin flakes. Well, seeing as the mandatory amount of Dib-Angst™ required in any decent Invader Zim fanfic has been fulfilled, we can finally move on with the rest of the plot. He craned his head out from behind the reaches of the faded couch, a quick double check to make sure the coast was clear before squeezing out with an audible 'pop'. He barely gave his eyes a moment to adjust to the sudden light (and his lungs to adjust to the sudden clean-ish air, or his mental state to the sudden shift of focus to _his_ person instead of the usual Zim-centered style it has been for pretty much the entire fic. Wow, that's one hell of a run-on sentence...) before scampering over to the toilet nestled cosily in Zims kitchen corner. (He didn't bother asking, he wasn't entirely sure his brain would be able to comprehend the answer without imploding.) That stupid robot wasting all that precious time! Now he was once again unsure of his time limits- But no, this was a golden opportunity that may never come again! He had spent too many hours and days and mind-numbing minutes of meticulous planning and slash-inspiring obsession to let this chance slip by!

...He'd even faced down Gazs hellish wrath to get the Dib-bot from her room... Well, his lungs did appear to still be functioning decently well without those few rib bones, so (knock-on-wood) he should be fiiine... He couldn't help but feel the tiniest bit stupid, standing in a toilet... If only his dad could see him now...

"_The jig is up Zim! Once I send these photos in to Mysterious Mysteries, there will be no place left for you to hide! Soon you'll- Wha?"_

_The door suddenly smashed open, Dib barely got a glimpse of a tall, dark silhouette looming into the living room before he was blinded by the sudden innumerable bursts of light behind the foreboding figure- Cameras. Lots and lots of cameras..._

"_And thus, utilizing the '**Offspring-Seeker 3010**' the location of a child can be pinpointed in mere seconds! Thus taking a bite out of child abductions and- Great Jumping JellyBeans! My only son conversing with himself while bathing in a foreign boys kitchen toilet! And is that a CAMERA? Oh the DISHONOUR that has been brought down upon the great Membrane™ name! Oh the UNBEARABLE SHAME!" _

The authoress then took this moment to exploit her divine author-y powers and poke Dib out of his stupor with a metaphorical pencil crayon of sharpened periwinkle doom. This hallucination stuff is starting to drag (not to mention the slight feelings of miff-ness towards the professor for quitting his position of ending announcer guy...) But enough about me, PLOTWARD HO!

Dib was poked- er, startled from his train of thought by a distant rumbling, swelling up from the unexplored depths of Zims porcelain throne- something was _coming_, rising up from the sick underbelly of the invaders base like some twisted leviathan... Kinda like a leviathan, only... not. He hopped off the toilet and rested his ear against the bowl- He could faintly hear the chutes and ladders of the concealed labs groaning under the pressure- The very bowels of Zims base were shifting as though they'd downed a bad, bad burrito, ready to spew forth it's pure half-digested evil liquid _dooky_!

...He paused for a moment and wondered if he was even still mentally ranting about the labs... He quickly pulled out his camera, bracing himself against the side of the toilet when the floor began to tremble from the force... Whatever it was, it was _big_.

And all he was armed with was a camera. Whenever that thing came out (taking its sweet time ain't it?) he was going to be _so_ subjugated... Or just liquefied... Craaaap...

Suddenly, the toilet split open as a small green and black fuzzy blur blasted from within, shattering the fragile porcelain toilet and Dibs calcium-y cranium with a carefree squeal. The tiny androids jets scorched the surrounding rooms as they worked overtime to compensate for the rather oversized toolkit (or was it a vending machine?) strapped to its back. And as suddenly as it had appeared, it was again gone without a trace (besides the trail of charred destruction left in the wake of his erratic flight... And Dib, who was pitifully flailing on the floor in the wraps of his burning agony. Look at him go!)

"FACE-FLESH- MELTING! OH SWEET DIVINE BEING THE ALL-ENCOMPASSING, SEARING _PAIN_!"

And then Dib died from the severity of his injuries. Then Zim, being a cosmically inept fool, cut the turquoise wire instead of the magenta wire, detonating the nuclear warhead that, through some freak occurrence, ended with all of the USA sinking into the ocean. But Canada was okay- for they had Timbit powers and hockey pucks. Eh. But then Squishy, Hugger of Worlds, came along and obliterated (that's such a spiffy word- it's not used nearly enough) the planet, and not even an _amazing_ cup of coffee could save Canada then.

I would say they all lived happily ever after... But they were all dead... and stuff.

And the Massive randomly blew up due to a well-placed unpopped corn kernel and one deceitfully delicious piece of cake.

And they were all dead too.

So, to make a long story short, the Slaughtering Rat People of Blortch became the unquestioned rulers of the universe.

Until they all died as well.

THE END.

"Dat's jus' Stupid!" howled the Grouts from within their grimy trailer of unkept, uncleanly, unsanitary flith (that's way too many 'un's for one sentence). "No dec'nt author wou' end no dec'nt stawry like 'at!" Mr. Grout threw a stern chicken leg at the TV. "BOO! All you's 'n yer Government Fics SUCK!"

And the authoress' feelings were deeply hurt.

And the Grout children sat in a distant corner, munching on... weenies (yes... 'weenies'), blissfully unaware.

Sooooo anyway, Dib craned his (disturbingly large) head over to peer into the blackened mouth of the toilet, now obviously not so much a toilet as a secret entrance to Zims underground labs. His face was calm, smooth, blank (and magically unharmed)... Then, the corners of his mouth began to twitch slightly, before splitting into a huge shi-er, _dooky _(have to keep the rating down)- eating grin. A grin that could only be compared to that of a paranormal investigator stumbling across the secret entrance to an alien...s... underground... labs... (cough) Victory for _DIB_! And making sure he had his trusty camera in hand he hopped into the mangled tube to see where fate would drop him.

Dib, of all people, should know _very_ well by now that good old Lady Luck was not often in his favour...

Dib sailed down the ruined passages, levels blurring by like a... blurry thing. A computer room. A... making-stuff room thing. A... laundry room... That was one evil looking washing machine... A torture chamber... That was one evil looking washing machine... What the-? In the torture chamber!? Dib did a mental double-take but had already flew long past the door. Twisting, tumbling, spiralling out of control- it took all the small boys willpower to keep from loosing either his limbs or his lunch as he plummeted into the dark abyss. Maybe this _hadn't_ been such a brilliant idea... And suddenly he was regurgitated (another awesome word that isn't used nearly enough) into what must have been the bottom level, skipped twice across the waxed floor and ended with a bone-crunching stop against the base of a big, demonic red... something. Right now he was in a bit too much pain to care. It was at this point his camera flew out of the passage, bounced, and delicately lodged itself firmly in Dibs central lobe.

"Wh-why... must e-everything... hurt..." he gasped as he began to shift around- an attempt at popping his spine back into place.

"INTRUDER ALERT! COLLECT YOUR BLADDER AND PREPARE FOR LASERY ANNIHILATION!" a few rather menacing looking wires dropped down from the ceiling, each tipped with wicked claws or spiffy alien-ish looking high-tech gun-thingers. Dib swallowed thickly as he painfully pulled himself to his feet.

"WAIT! I come in _peac_-"the computer scoffed and drew the weaponry closer. Dib absently wondered how a computer could scoff as he continued "_eacccc_afist!... ness. Pacifistness! See? My camera is broken, and everyone thinks I'm crazy so they won't listen to anything I say without it!"

The computer seemed to consider this.

Dib wept inside (and he was pretty sure he was bleeding as well). Why Cruel Fate, WHYYYY!?! So Close to Exposure!

"Weeeeelll... Alright. I suppose. But only because I'd have to scrape your greasy charred little filth carcass off the wall before Zim returned."

Dib blinked. Well, there was something else to mercilessly haunt his nightmares. Psychological trauma was fun!

"But... How am I supposed to get out of here?"

No response, the computer had already returned to its previous activities, and be damned if it was going to be disturbed again! It was Boos wedding on 'True Tales of Human Drama' (the computers favourite soap) and poor, angsty Sir was caught in a life or death struggle against rush-hour traffic to get there. Would he make it in time to proclaim his undying love for Boo, or would she be swept away in the twisted, heartless arms of Huddi Hudgy Honni the pro wrestler playboy who merely wanted to use her for her mystical power to distort time, space, and cook a perfect burrito every time? The Suspense!

Dib blinked slowly and looked around, silently cursing with the dirtiest words his 11 year old mind could conjure. _By Dooky, what a dumb place... _Indeed, there really wasn't much in the room- No death rays, no zany inventions, no spooky alien healing tanks that seem to pop up in so many future fics, not even any of the thrice-be-damned PUNK RAWK references that seems to haunt almost every bloody Zim fic on the web. Why punk rock? WHY? Did Zim even listen to music...? Dib blinked again (does that a lot don't he?)- And why did he keep going off on a tangent about healing tanks and punk rock anyway?

It was almost like someone else was controlling his thoughts... Typing them out for the sick amusement of like minded-sicky people... Dib wrapped his arms around himself and glanced around insecurely, feeling distinctly barren and exposed... Suddenly, a soft glowing caught his eye- Spooky alien technology perhaps? He gave his broken camera a sad glance before ambling over to that side of the lab. Might as well see what it was... Perhaps Zims newest (amazing!) plan for world domination! That put a bit more spunk in his step as he marched giddily over to the computer (God! This boy is bi polar in this fic, I swear...) He couldn't wait to see the expression on Zims face when he defeated him at his own game once again... And then he'd strap him down in a science lab 'n cut him up reeeal good! An absent smile quirked at the corner of the small boys mouth as his mind filled with the delicious imagined screams of pure agony he was sure Zim would make as he was subjected to all kinds of _horrible_ tests. (Heh, malicious little guy ain't he? Poor Dib, so young yet already so warped...)

However, it didn't take long for Dib to figure out that what was typed across the screen wasn't another one of Zims evil plots. Oh no, not at all, it appeared to be a story... A horrible story... Dib's eye twitched, his knuckles turning white against the panel, and then, the rage burst forth;

"MY HEAD IS _NOT_ BIG! I _Beat_ Thee!" he hissed, banging his fist futilely against the side panel. "That Stupid _Jerk_! How _Dare_ he Kill _Me_ Off Like _Six Freaking Times_?" he scowled in his little Dib-ish manner, crossing his arms and pouting (aw!) "_This_ is how that spacey alien thing from space gets his _kicks_? Killing me off in badly written story rips?" he quickly scanned over the fic again. "Besides... This is just... Stupid. What kind of moron would kill off what few valuable brain cells they have left by reading this... thing?"

(You can all look ashamed now.)

"However, killing me, even if it is only in (badly written) fiction, is unforgivable- I shall Avenge Myself!"

Silence fell as the large headed boy realized just how stupid he was starting to sound. He twitched as he became subconsciously aware of some divine force poking fun at his huge head. There it was again! (twitchy)

Moving on...

The human loomed dangerously over the keyboard, eyes narrowing (I don't think I've totally ran this expression into the dirt quite yet) sinisterly as he quickly plotted out what horror he was about to unleash... Ah, evil protagonism... Is that even a word? Is that even a _concept_? Ah well, this fic wasn't been making any sense before, why should I start worrying about it now?

ïƒ  Dib's Fic ïƒŸ

The door suddenly burst open, and there stood DIB, Saviour of Earth and Unquestionable Superior Being, armed to the teeth as the bright, justice-packed light of Divine Retribution shone... um... _brightly_ behind him.

"Squee!" squeed Zim in absolute terror as he dropped to the floor, quivering amidst his own vile alien-y bodily fluids, obviously overwhelmed by the sheer _power_ that was the Mighty Dib! "Oh no! My evident inferiority suddenly engulfs my fragile mind! I must retreat!" so Zim fled like the cowardly, not-superior alien scum he is. And all the people were so amazed, as they'd seen that Dib had been right _All Along_, and wasn't crazy, but deserving of... um... fame... and stuff. Good stuff. Yeah.

"Mmyep, my son sure is a real _genius_! I am so ashamed I ever doubted his geniusness!" Professor Membrane patted Dibs head as the two stood at the world summit to receive their Nobel Peace Prizes for uh... Defeating alien scum, proving the existence of ghosts, Bigfeets, the alternate sock dimension linked to dryers, and just generally making the world a better place for everyone. The massive audience cheered as Dib accepted his award, humbly and gallantly, in the background one could hear a distinct "Dib Membrane _Rocks_!"

Suddenly the cheers died away as cries of terror erupted- The alien invasion! Dib stood bravely, stock still and tough-looking like in all those super hero movies as the people began fleeing in panic. Perhaps he'd exact his Ultimate Revenge on Zim after all...

The aliens beamed down to earth and started terrorizing and stuff. Suddenly, Dib rose at the summit, did I mention he'd used his many mad skillz to hack into the uh, TV um, stuff, so he was broadcasted across the entire planet? No? Well, he did, so anyway, he stood up there and exclaimed:

"Do not despair mankind, those are _Not_ aliens to be feared- They are a race made up entirely of Self-Deluded _Morons_ that smell vaguely like old cabbage!"

"Duh, duh, We're so superior and stuff!" moaned the drooly zombie-like aliens as they stumbled around bumping into each other and stuff.

"Come my fellow humans, rise and band together! We can kick these cosmically inept fools off our planet once and for all!" and all the people joined as one super-army and battled the Irkens with... uh, lots of fire hoses! Utilizing the Irkens most obvious weakness against them straight off the bat before they could devise any way of protecting themselves.

"OH NO! The Liquid Death! It Reigns From Above! We Must Retreat!" exclaimed the aliens and they all ran back to their ships and blasted off, never to return. Dib was hailed as a hero for it was his bounty of knowledge of the Irken race that led to their defeat. Why, if it weren't for him doing his human duty, all the earth would be enslaved by now! Man, Dib was _great_ and _not _crazy and... and _stuff_!

"Look Dib, we've managed to capture a few of the unbelievably stupid alien menaces! Let's subject them to all kinds of horrible tests, just cause we CAN!" exclaimed a scientist as he gestured to a bunch of tanks holding a handful of Irkens. One face stood out most prominently above all the others- And that Irken, immediately realizing his horrific fate, did what he did best and cowered against the back of his tube. Dib smiled viciously and waved.

"Why, hello _Zim_." He sneered to his arch nemesis before nodding to the scientist "Take _that_ one to the _Special_ lab, you know, the one that's even _more_ painful than the others." He turned back to the defeated alien with relish "I guess it's obvious who the _Superior Race_ is here, eh Zim?"

"Nooo! I have been defeated and stuff! Oh the _Prickly Humiliation_, how _Foolish_ I was to ever think I could defeat the humans!?"

Anyway, moving on to the lab of Horrendous Pain™... Dib pulled on his surgical gloves with delight before turning to the tiny Irken strapped to the autopsy table before him. Zim struggled vainly against the tight binds as Dib advanced on him slowly, scalpel in hand.

"Now Zim, all those threats are fulfilled in uh, _full_!" with that, Dib plunged his

ïƒ  End Fic (just in time to keep the rating down o.O- Brutal little guy isn't he?) ïƒŸ

"Why hello _Dib_." An icy, evilly familiar voice hissed into his ear as something cold and sharp dug roughly into the back of his neck- Not enough to break the skin, but enough to let the human child know the Irken meant business. "Fancy finding you _here_." Dibs stomach dropped into his feet- _Caught_.

"Y- You won't get away with this Zim!" he barked in return as he turned his head slightly to meet those deadly crimson slits of poison. He may have been trapped, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let the alien know how scared he was. The invader leered darkly in response.

"Cute Dib-filth, _real_ cute, using that robot. Here I thought something like that was beyond the simple grasps of your stupid, defective brain-meats." His voice dropped dangerously as he continued. "_Real _Cute." Dib winced as the alien spat hatefully into his ear. Eww... Alien slobber...(I would have liked to include Zim giving Dib a wet-willy at this point, however I can't seem to work it into the plot. But, mentioning it here allows you all to giggle at the mental image and me to keep the semi-serious mood. My mad skillz amazed even me sometimes) He resisted the urge to shudder as Zims (bad) breath rushed past his face. "But playtime is over Dib-worm..." Zim broke into a wicked smile once again, a gloved claw clamping forcefully down onto his shoulder as the sharp object was shoved farther into his neck. "Now the real _fun_ begins!" Zims cackling rose in the small lab, vibrating off the deep, crimson walls as Dibs heart pounded against his ribs. He tried to wrench free, only to be met with a forceful blow to the back of his head. Stars danced before his eyes before it all faded to black, Zims thick, malicious laughter (shortly being cut off as the extra terrestrial megalomaniac chocked on his own superior drool) echoing on and on in the dark recesses of his mind... Kind of like when to blow really hard into the anus of a moose, it doesn't immediately waft out its nostrils, instead it swirls around in the animals lower intestine for a while as it promptly turns around and mauls you...

Back at the Membrane household Gaz was absorbed in her sketches. She leaned back and nodded thoughtfully as she gazed down at the small figure she'd finished colouring... She then delicately crumpled it up and ate it, chewing thoughtfully as she reached for another blank piece of paper.

She was startled out of her thoughts when the small floaty-screen thinger whirred up, stopping inches from her face. She calmly popped open one demonic amber eye to gaze at the shrouded face of her father.

"Greetings Daughter!" exclaimed the professor in his usual dramatic manner. "Might you have any idea where your brother has run off to? One of my colleagues is unveiling his newest invention in an hour, and I feel that you two should be present!" Gaz quirked an eyebrow.

"Why?" she said. It wasn't so much a question as a statement. Membrane continued without missing a beat.

"His invention is _Obviously_ going to be a SPECTACULAR _FAILURE_, and I'd like Dib to witness first-hand where his foolish para-science will wind up putting him." Gazs other eye cracked open to give her father a sceptical look. "And I thought you'd enjoy it. It has pigs!" he continued, as if not noticing his daughters look.

"Dib's not here." She shrugged, her eyes squinting once again as she returned to her work.

"That's a shame, I suppose all this pizza will have to go to waste then..." he mumbled, more to himself than anything as the small hover screen floated off. Gazs eyes popped open once more as her crayon slipped from her small, claw-like fingers...

(Bitters voice-over)

_On the next (and thankfully last) horrible chapter of this horrible fic, That horrible she-demon shall venture into the horrible recess of that horrible Zims home to save her annoyingly horrible brother. What kind of horror will such a horrible mind add to that horrible fic? I really don't care, but I'm sure some of you horrible stinks might. Stay tuned next time, same horrible time, same horrible channel. Ugh, you'd think this author would have some more productive way to waste her horrible time. This is just... dumb._

(Zim)

"_Dumb like a Moose!"_

Ending rant.

Wow. Another shoddy chapter. Once again, I'm sorry for the poor quality of this chapter, and I'm sorry for not updating sooner. A strange hybrid of writers block and laziness is what I attribute it to. Yay, you read right, the next chapter is going to be the last- Almost over! Why, because those four (Zim, GIR, Dib and Gaz) are the only characters that I could conceivably give the opportunity to type... Unless it wound up being transmitted to the Tallest or something through some freak accident, but then that's just getting stupid...

Just a few pokes at this chapter. Made the end slightly more funny...ish.


	5. The Gaz POV

A/N: So thus I find myself propped up in front of a blank screen yet again. Wow, such an invigorating feeling- All this beautiful, pure blank white to mercilessly smear with my hideous regurgitated mental drool... Once again, many thanks to all in whom read and reviewed. I send cyber pixie stix to thee.

This Disclaimer has Cooties: Invader Zim belongs to Jhonen Vasquez and Nickelodeon. Anything else mentioned in here doesn't belong to me either. Except Nub. Yay.

**The Great Invaders Fic of Very Ficcish DOOM!**

_Chpt 5: An End, Though Crappy, Is Still An End (the Gaz POV)_

"I vote for lasers!"

"What is _with_ you and lasers?"

"The Irken Empire loves lasers! Except for _you_ it seems..."

"Oh yeah, we all _love_ the stupid lasers. It's all fun and games until I get ZAPPED in the EYE! Then you _laugh_, they all _cheer_, and I _die_ a little on the inside."

"Don't forget the cost of new optic implants..." Purple planted his hands on his hips and scowled at his co-leaders insensitivity. Red shot him a sheepish grin in return as he held a little laser ball in a manner Purple assumed was supposed to be tempting. Either that or he was trying to shield himself behind the tiny device. "Come on... It's shiiiiney..." Red drawled hopefully. The other Tallest pouted and crossed his arms. Red frowned when his co-leader showed no signs of relenting to the sheer _brilliance_ that was _lasers_. A thoughtful looked crossed his face as he glanced around the room, his (almighty!) gaze eventually falling to the lone Table Service Drone Nub shuffling around his ankle. "You!" he barked sharply, startling poor Nub and nearly making the short Irken spill the drinks (an offence worthy of squigglously painful death) "What do you prefer, smoke or lasers?"

Nub looked up, up, way up to meet his Tallest eye-to-eye as the two planetary leaders loomed over the slouched form.

His gaze first met Purple, in whom suggestively hummed a few cords of 'Smoke on the Water' (what do you mean you didn't know 'Deep Purple' was extra terrestrial?) and nodding approvingly, his fingers tapping together in a disturbingly Mr. Burns-ish manner.

His gaze swooped over to Red, in whom thrust some strange, circular object covered with tiny red lenses into his face. "It's shiiiiney..." he purred almost seductively.

Nub glanced back and forth several times between his two almighty Tallest, before dipping down to the floor again. He quivered under the piece of 2 X 4 crudely duct-taped to his head as his eyes welled with tears. No matter which one he choose, he undoubtedly faced a heinously painful death... Or else a horrible lifetime devoted to toilet duties... His gaze swept over towards the dimly lit washroom door, hanging ominously on a single hinge as some ominous unknown force of much evil ominousness growled ominously from the depths of the Irken waste deposit. A small whimpering sound was all that escaped his lips.

"What was that?" quipped Purple as the two leaders leaned down closer to the terrified Service Drone.

The tension was suddenly broken by a sharp blip sound from the computer consol of their personal quarters. Both Tallest straightened immediately as the screen filled with static. Nub took this opportunity and ran, just as far and fast as his spindly little legs could carry him. Without spilling the drinks to-boot. Both Tallest groaned when they saw who had been sending the transmission.

Zim didn't seem to notice as he smartly saluted his beloved leaders.

"Greetings my Tallest, I bring more proof of my many mad skillz in the ways of the Invader!" Red and Purple rolled their eyes. Not that you could tell. "I have captured one of the hideous earth creatures, and I'm about to do some ghastly experiments on him. I think I'll start off with something simple, like cutting off his head and seeing if I can re-attach it..." Both Tallest eyes widened in horror, their jaws dropping slightly as they gazed at the screen, Zims speech occasionally being interrupted by the sound of a chainsaw buzzing to life.

"_Sweet- MIYUKI_ Zim! Not On _Screen_!" squeaked Purple as he tried to cover his large eyes with his two fingers. It didn't really work that well.

"Wait a second, isn't that the same human you captured last time?" Red drawled sceptically as he pointed to the rather hysterically screaming Dib. Zim pulled off the hockey mask to give his leaders a wide-eyed look.

"Yeah... And the time before that, and the time before _that_ one too..." added Purple. Zim grew noticeably uncomfortable. Dib had turned noticeably blue, panting weakly, voice rasping as he counted the years that were most likely knocked off his life with that last stunt. None of the Irkens took any notice however, as Red squinted suspiciously at the screen.

"Are you just capturing the _same_ human again and again because your defences _suck_ so much he keeps escaping?" Zim glanced around the room, visibly sweating by now as he giggled nervously.

"N- Noooo... Of _course_ not... Heh, ya see, humans all look kinda... er, _identical_, to the untrained eye... "

"Yeah, that's real interesting Zim." Stated Red in a voice that said it was anything but. "Listen, we have to go. Leadership duties and all that stuff." Zims shoulders sagged slightly as Red discretely reached for the little red button marked 'Pummel'. Suddenly, he was knocked away by his co-leader as Purple desperately pressed his hands against the screen.

"Wait! Zim!" the tiny Irken snapped to attention as the purple Tallest continued "Smoke or Lasers?"

Zim gave his leader a blank look, the restrained Dib raised an eyebrow, and Red somehow resisted the urge to bang his head (or his co-leaders for that matter) against the wall.

Crickets chirped. Cue tumbleweed.

The small Irken finally broke the silence as he nonchalantly shrugged.

"I've always been partial to strobe lights personally myself. Anyway, Invader Zim, signing off!" The screen went blank, plunging the two leaders into darkness. The equal looks of sheer disbelief etched into both faces the last visible thing before black totally encompassed the two.

Dib gazed up at the Invader with wibbly, watery puppy-dog-that's-life-has-just-passed-before-it's-scarred-for-life eyes, his bottom lip trembling slightly. It would have been almost cute if he didn't look so much like someone who only saw one episode of Dragonball Z being plunged into an anime convention. Mmyep.

Man, I'm really freaking tired. I'll finish this thing up next day I have off from work.

Sooo, yeah! Last we left off with poor Dib in Zims evil clutches!

"Bwahahahaha! Check out my clutches! They are so evil! Whoo, look'it em go!" cackled the deranged Irken as he loomed over Dib, his eyes narrowing maliciously in much the same manner as a predator eyes its prey. "There's nothing to save you now, _Dib_..."

Ominous thunder growled lowly in the background, mildly miffed that it had been jacked out of the last three chapters.

Thick black rain clouds filled the sky, choking out the suns light and plunging the earth into a premature night. A thick fog rolled up over the _painfully_ green lawns, creeping over the gnomes and other hideous lawns ornaments, engulfing them entirely like a big, creepy amoeba absorbing lots of smaller amoeba thingers. An unnatural stillness fell over the neighbourhood, flowers wilted, babies exploded, hamsters devoured one another as the heavy sense of foreboding swelled up and consumed all entangled in the thick fog, filling their hearts with fear and their under-roos with... you don't wanna know. And in the centre of it all, the mists swirled and parted like grey theatrical curtains, easily pushed aside by the sheer broiling miasma of burning hate that was the robed girls aura. Gaz squinted darkly as she trudged along, little black boots squeaking cutely, a strange contrast to the almost physically tangible waves of malice emanating off her tiny figure. She trudged tirelessly through the dank danky doomish twisted blah black and grey cobblestone streets. The leafless trees swayed in the gloomy grey-ish wind, branches stretching towards the clouded, foggy heavens like boney fingers clawing towards unattainable salvation. Full moon. Graveyard. Melodramatic prose. Insert more uber gothy angst creepy description here. Suddenly, she stopped, her demonic amber eyes cracking open to glare up at the fluorescent green house that stood in her wake. Wolves howled in the distance. Blarg, goth poetry.

"So then I said to this impolite special ed student 'Thank you good sir, you are a gentleman, a scholar, and have excellent taste in whisky.' and then he simply replied 'Go Die.' He didn't even bother to question why I had tentacles protruding rather obviously from my Pak. So yes, I do believe that counts as another crisis averted by my genius skills to blend in with the rest of you horrid, greasy pig worms." Chirped Zim intelligently and, oddly, with a slight British accent, as he daintily sipped his (Irken) tea.

"Some people are just so ignorant..." chortled Dib, shaking his head slightly as he reached for another crumpet, laying his cup aside.

"It's not that they lack intelligence young man, it's simply that they direct their knowledge to different things. They do not recognize aliens amongst them, not because they don't see, but simply because they do not _want_ to see. Extra terrestrial life forms and the belief therein is commonly frowned upon by your typical earth society, so people, most individuals anyway, tend to blind themselves to the exista- Oh, sorry there old chap, would you like some more?" GIR paused to refill Dibs teacup, the rich scent of Earl Grey wafting lazily through the room melodious and relaxing. Dib nodded slowly as he quietly pondered the androids words. The tiny green Irken leaned back in his chair, stretching his arms above his head and yawned, eyes half-lidded and content. He quickly glanced at his wristwatch which, much like his self destruct button, shall never be mentioned again.

"Oh dear me, it seems 'tea, crumpet, and intellectual speaking' time is over. Oh well, back to the grind!" Zim whipped an arm across the table top, ripping off the horridly tasteful cloth and shattering teacup and teapot alike on the floor. Several thick wires dropped from the ceiling, trapping Dib in a bone-crushing grip. "Now Dib Monkey! Surrender to ZIM! Your Hair is _Stupid _and Your Head is Disturbingly _Large_! ...And _Stupid_!"

"NEVER! I'll Never Submit to your Evil, Zim! I'm Going to Expose You and String your Organs along a _Clothes Line_! And my Head's Not Big!"

"Dem's POSSUMS Mary-Sue! Squeeze Cheese!" squealed the tiny malfunctioning SIR unit as he bounced along between the two battling rivals. Zim paused momentarily to delicately punt the bouncing pile of scrap under the couch. A muffled "Hi Cobra! Milk me's some acid juice!" and then silence.

"Face it Dirt-Child, I've _already_ won! I've even utterly defeated you in one of your own pathetic earth battle simulators!" Zim resumed his ominous looming as he loomed ominously over Dib. "Remember?" he hissed darkly, the malevolent smile pulling at the corners of his mouth making it all to obvious the sadistic pleasure the small alien took from his dominance over the human. Wow. That could lead to so many BDSM scenarios I don't even want to contemplate it...

_Zim cackled evilly. Admittedly, when he first stepped into this peculiar simulator, it had taken him by surprise. However, it didn't take long for him to slip back into the extensive Invader training of his youth, the game, surprisingly, held many similarities to some of the simulators he'd trained with back on Irk. Except this inferior human machine was much, much nosier. Probably an attempt at distracting the feeble humans feeble inferior attention._ _His booted feet flew in perfect sync as he sent an evil, superior grin at his faltering opponent._

"_Looks like victory shall be MINE Dib! I AM ZIM!" he crowed pompously, his arms thrusting into the air. Dib chanced to wipe the sweat collecting upon his brow, gasping desperately as he tried to keep up. This isn't how this was supposed to turn out! He was supposed to be the victor, the proud cocky one while Zim suffered! He bit deeply into his lip as he helplessly watched his points decrease... Almost to the point of no return! The two boys stomped desperately, and strangely almost perfectly in step with each other, tangled in a desperate life or death struggle, eyes focusing entirely on the small white arrows wafting almost lazily up the screen as 'Butterfly' boomed loudly, overpoweringly from the looming black box._

"That was a fluke! I hadn't eaten breakfast that morning and I _told_ you I do much better with the Dance Dance Revolution 5th Mix!" Dib cried desperately, struggling futily against his binds. Zim stopped.

"Yes, well, I suppose you did mention that, but OH WELL! ZIM Still WINS! Now back down to the labs with you, filthy earth meats. I have many horrible experiments planned for you..."

"Can't we have another 'tea and crumpet' time?" squeaked Dib hopefully. Zims eyes narrowed.

"...No... Now, DOWN TO THE LABS! WEEHOO!" the tiny Invader exclaimed, his thin arms thrusting into the air, cackling evilly as the floor beneath the two split open, engulfing the two figures, the table, and the unfortunate Pig still sitting silently at his corner of the table. The silence that followed was absolute, not even the tiny android tucked cosily under the couch stirred. The stillness was then broken with the almost inaudible creak of the front door, fog creeping in silently through the crack...

Zim threw back his head and laughed, sickly, _evilly_ as the thick red dripped slowly down his body. Dib convulsed and gasped weakly, somehow clinging to consciousness even through all the pumping, spilling red trickling freely down his quivering form. The Irkens laughter echoed on and on, never-ending in the deep red cavern of his underground lab. Dib craned his neck, trying to breath, trying to speak, trying to scream, trying to _anything_ besides lie prone and await his inevitable doom. It _couldn't _end like this, it just wasn't fair! Zims laughter echoed on, quickly followed by the gurgling, hacking noise of the small Irken unsurprisingly choking on his own (superior!) saliva.

"Ahem. Anyway, that's enough with the new muckleberry flavor containment fluid." Zim paused for a short period to allow the readers ample time to roll their eyes at the horridly sad attempt at humour. "Now, to make you feel some _real_ eh... _Discomfort_!" with that, Zim squealed gleefully and pounded several of the buttons dotting the control panel before the huge containment unit.

"NOOOOO!" cried Dib dramatically.

"YESSSSSS!" cackled Zim dramatically.

Pig quietly sipped his tea in a corner, observing the ordeal with his narrowed, ever shifting eyes as a thin, secretive smirk pulled at the corners of his mouth.

Suddenly, the lights cut, effectively shutting both boys up. Zim glanced around his precious labs, optic implants subconsciously switching to a more useful light-collecting mode. Slowly the anonymous lumps of shadow began to take recognizable form, the details of his underground base jumping back into focus through the eerie reddish tint of the small Invaders night vision.

"CompuTEEEER! What's Happening?" he howled, rising on his spider legs to avoid the billowing mists swamping the tiled floors.

No response.

"Computer?" Zim glanced over towards the containment device, the _empty_ containment device. He gasped sharply, eyes darting around the fogged room desperately. "DIB! You Filthy GREASE WEASEL! You _dare_ think you can escape ZIM?!... again... eh, The Power of _Muckleberry_ Compels You!" A slight movement caught the corner of his eye. "WHAT? An _intruder_? Argh! What happened to the front door defences?!"

Meanwhile, upstairs with the robo-parents...

"Honey? Have you seen my lower jaw?"

"Oh! That's what is protruding from my eye socket... Wait, sorry sweetie, that's just my foot..."

Zims teeth grated. "Why Doesn't Anything _Work_ Around Here? Alright human Filth! Prepare your Dirty Organs for Assimilation, for you have Foolishly Evoked the MIGHTY Wrath of ZI- eh?"

THWANG! (spiffy sound effect, yes?)

"Uugh..." whimpered the small Invader, his limp body flopping lifelessly to the cold floor.

"Wow Gaz! That was Amaz-"

THWANG!

"Why must... e-everything... hhhuuurt..." The little girl glowered down at the prone figure of her elder sibling, a rather obvious trickle of drool sliding down his glaringly large, stupid head. The rather demonic little girl felt her lip curl in disgust as she callously tossed her baseball bat over her shoulder. She purposefully ignored the muffled 'Umph!' of the aluminium weapon lodging itself in tender Irk-flesh. Why did she _always_ wind up having to pull her stupid brothers useless, annoying butt from the fire? She simply sighed heavily and shook her head in submission as she shoved the prone boy onto a conveniently placed (and conveniently unmentioned) hover pad. She didn't bother asking anymore. Gaz barely suppressed a grin as she did up the restraining straps, the sound of Dibs ribcage creaking under the pressure as her unconscious brother twitched and frothed under her 'loving' sisterly touch was probably the most entertaining part of the entire escape mission. And with a tender boot to the side of the hover pad, and another groan from the prone mini paranormal investigator, the two siblings were off to the nearest elevator, and thus, to freedom, Membranes demonstration, and free pizza.

With one more vicious kick (that was admittedly a bit harder than it had to be) and the hover pad was in the elevator shaft, shortly followed by the malevolent force that was Gaz. However, their ascent was suddenly interrupted by an obnoxious 'bing' noise. Gaz popped one dark, soul-sucking eye open to glare at the offending screen as it dropped down from the roof of the cramped elevator. The typical Irken logo, peculiarly crowned with a little yellow hard-hat, fizzled into focus as an obnoxious, chipper voice crackled over the speakers.

"We r lyk sooo sorry, but teh rest o tis lyk, elevator iz lyk, out of order due to teh tooching tail of a rocket powered super dog n his disturbingly large vending machine/ tool kit. Pls lyk, exit n board teh next elevator, n sorry fer teh inconvenience n all that crap, get off!" Gaz grated her teeth as she forcefully punted her brother out of the broken chute, growling lowly to herself as she irritably watched the hover pad rebound around the dark red lab. She scanned the room with her squinted, fiendish amber eyes, looking for the quickest, easiest escape route. It didn't take long to spot what looked like another elevator across the dimly lit room, and with another well calculated boot, her brother was easily sent flying towards the doors. She herself began to trudge drearily after him, when something caught her eye. She waddled a bit closer to what appeared to be the central computer, one dark slit squinting open to quickly evaluate what was typed up on the blaringly white screen with her usual disinterested Gaz-style cynicism...

_Once upon a time, during a dark and stormy night (Not stormy like rainy-stormy, but stormy like, you know, thundering-ominous-booming stormy night of DOOM stormy) the vile, evil, despicable, contemptible, depraved, base, degraded, low, wicked, abominable, loathsome, foul stink-beast Dib was walking home from the skool. Then he exploded and died. DIED! Gone forever, because he is pathetic and weak and made up of pitiful squishy flesh-meats! Take THAT human scum!_

_And then the great, wonderful, fantastic, magnificent, excellent, terrific, cool, groovy, good, all around just spiffy and superior in every way shape and form Irken Invader ZIM pointed and laughed at the Dibs smokey remains that smelt vaguely like burnt weenies. Then ZIM burnt the remains and stirred them in the dirt. Then he burnt the dirt and went home and unleashed his ultimate plan for planetary domination! He blasted the disgusting, filthy dirt-planets surface with a big... scary death beam... thing and all the foolish infidel humans were running around like_

"_OMG what is going on!"_

_And the suave, handsome, noble Invader ZIM laughed at their patheticness, because they were all so very pathetic. And then the Dib-beast somehow revived and tried to stop ZIMs brilliant plans, but failed because he was twice as useless as the rest of his disgusting population, so he was like_

"_Oh ZIM, how could I, a simple-minded, revolting, disgusting, repellent, repulsive, sickening, nauseating, horrible, horrendous, awful, dreadful, horrid creature ever think I could stand against such an obviously untouchable, Godly genius like you? I am nothing more than an insignificant worm! I am not worthy of even licking the dust off the bottom of your mighty boots that I now throw myself down before! Oh how delusional and stupid I was to ever even think of defying you, oh Great One! Please, I beg of you, end my irritating existence, for I simply cannot live knowing I ever dared bring shame upon my superior, my Lord and Master ZIM!" and he grovelled and begged and burst into tears and all that crap. And ZIM cackled from where he sat on his huge earth-ruling throne and he was like_

"_Dib filth, you suck!" And then ZIM zapped the annoying pest with super lightning from his fingertips and the Dib-humans brain fried in that grotesquely huge head of his and he died again._

_And then ZIMs big scary death beam hit the guy that created pop-up adds and he died. And then the beam hit all the squeally slashy fangirls and they all died too. And then the worm-baby Dib randomly came back to life so ZIM could have the satisfaction of blowing him up again. And then the Tallest were like _

"_Gee ZIM, you did a real spiffarific job cleaning off that planet! We're so gosh-darned proud of you we're going to make you our second (third?) in command and devote the planet to your greatness! We'll call in 'Planet ZIMtopia', and we'll build a great big statue of you there so all the people across the galaxy can come and revel in your amazingness!" and ZIM was like_

"_But of course! I wouldn't expect any less for someone as mind-blowingly impressive as me!"_

_And then ZIM grew another two feet. And Dirt-Dib revived again, so ZIM splattered his squidgy human filth zombie organs all over the floor. And GIR was all like_

"_Geez master, you are so grooving and with it, I will from now on obey your every command without question like a good little SIR unit." And Zim was like_

"_Yea dat's cool." _

_Then the Dib-worm revived once more and the almighty ZIM curb-stomped him, and he died again for good because ZIM would never, ever ever ever ever even consider indulging in any horrible and creepy disgusting mating ritual with him. Ever. Not even if he was really drunk. _

_And then gir walked into teh rum w/ his rubber piggy and saw master looking al sad and unhoppy-like. _

'_aw master wats wrong w/ u?' said gir._

'_the goverment dookied up my tax return and now i am so very upset by the hole matter.' said master._

'_i now wat wil cheer u up master!!!!!!11!!! sniff dis permanent felt marker. its mildly titling odor wil ease ur stressed mind n sooth ur tormented soul!!!!!111!!!2' said gir n gir gave master his felt penny-tinger n master sniffed it._

'_wow gir, u r write!!!! i fell sooo much better now, let us go frolik in teh conveniently placed field of daisyes behind the house and sing infuriating, mind-numbing songs we learned from annoying internet flash videos!!!!!!!!!!!!11111' said master so thy went to the field of daisyes n they al danced togeter n sang the kenya song and the final fantasy song and redid the hole my spoon iz to big thinger n they wer al so hapy. N hen the backgrond feel back n they wer al dressed up brodway-ish n they all sang n danced n the audience humans loveded dem. they loveded them god._

_then sudenly a big meteora feel fr the ski and hit the gib human in the hed, cause his hed is sooooo big u cant miss it. dib feel over n cried n everyon was sad._

'_i can sea death!!!!!111one!!! it smells like pinapples!!!!!!2345!!!' said dib._

_n thn he died n every1 was runing don this big scary hall._

'_i dont now how we got in this big scary hall or why we r runing but i am so scared!!!!!!!!!!!111111!!!!!' said the scary girl dib human sister._

_oooo is gettin scary now huh? lol!!!!!!!!!!!!! _

_n then just as they wer getting to the end of the hall The door suddenly burst open, and there stood DIB, Saviour of Earth and Unquestionable Superior Being, armed to the teeth as the bright, justice-packed light of Divine Retribution shone... um... brightly behind him. _

"_Squee!" squeed Zim in absolute terror as he dropped to the floor, quivering amidst his own vile alien-y bodily fluids, obviously overwhelmed by the sheer power that was the Mighty Dib! "Oh no! My evident inferiority suddenly engulfs my fragile mind! I must retreat!" so Zim fled like the cowardly, not-superior alien scum he is. And all the people were so amazed, as they'd seen that Dib had been right All Along, and wasn't crazy, but deserving of... um... fame... and stuff. Good stuff. Yeah. _

"_Mmyep, my son sure is a real genius! I am so ashamed I ever doubted his geniusness!" Professor Membrane patted Dibs head as the two stood at the world summit to receive their Nobel Peace Prizes for uh... Defeating alien scum, proving the existence of ghosts, Bigfeets, the alternate sock dimension linked to dryers, and just generally making the world a better place for everyone. The massive audience cheered as Dib accepted his award, humbly and gallantly, in the background one could hear a distinct "Dib Membrane Rocks!"_

_Suddenly the cheers died away as cries of terror erupted- The alien invasion! Dib stood bravely, stock still and tough-looking like in all those super hero movies as the people began fleeing in panic. Perhaps he'd exact his Ultimate Revenge on Zim after all..._

_The aliens beamed down to earth and started terrorizing and stuff. Suddenly, Dib rose at the summit, did I mention he'd used his many mad skillz to hack into the uh, TV um, stuff, so he was broadcasted across the entire planet? No? Well, he did, so anyway, he stood up there and exclaimed:_

"_Do not despair mankind, those are Not aliens to be feared- They are a race made up entirely of Self-Deluded Morons that smell vaguely like old cabbage!"_

"_Duh, duh, We're so superior and stuff!" moaned the drooly zombie-like aliens as they stumbled around bumping into each other and stuff. _

"_Come my fellow humans, rise and band together! We can kick these cosmically inept fools off our planet once and for all!" and all the people joined as one super-army and battled the Irkens with... uh, lots of fire hoses! Utilizing the Irkens most obvious weakness against them straight off the bat before they could devise any way of protecting themselves._

"_OH NO! The Liquid Death! It Reigns From Above! We Must Retreat!" exclaimed the aliens and they all ran back to their ships and blasted off, never to return. Dib was hailed as a hero for it was his bounty of knowledge of the Irken race that led to their defeat. Why, if it weren't for him doing his human duty, all the earth would be enslaved by now! Man, Dib was great and not crazy and... and stuff!_

"_Look Dib, we've managed to capture a few of the unbelievably stupid alien menaces! Let's subject them to all kinds of horrible tests, just cause we CAN!" exclaimed a scientist as he gestured to a bunch of tanks holding a handful of Irkens. One face stood out most prominently above all the others- And that Irken, immediately realizing his horrific fate, did what he did best and cowered against the back of his tube. Dib smiled viciously and waved._

"_Why, hello Zim." He sneered to his arch nemesis before nodding to the scientist "Take that one to the Special lab, you know, the one that's even more painful than the others." He turned back to the defeated alien with relish "I guess it's obvious who the Superior Race is here, eh Zim?"_

"_Nooo! I have been defeated and stuff! Oh the Prickly Humiliation, how Foolish I was to ever think I could defeat the humans!" _

_Anyway, moving on to the lab of Horrendous Pain™... Dib pulled on his surgical gloves with delight before turning to the tiny Irken strapped to the autopsy table before him. Zim struggled vainly against the tight binds as Dib advanced on him slowly, scalpel in hand._

"_Now Zim, all those threats are fulfilled in uh, full!" with that, Dib plunged his_

Gaz shook her head slowly in disgust. Honestly, why did whatever divine force out there waste its time with trying to create brains for these people... aliens... whatevers. With that she stretched out her arms, before laying her claw-like fingers along the proper keys...

"Ugg... Why's dem chickens runnin... AGH! TIGERS!" yelped the still unconscious, and thankfully restrained, Dib from the shadowed depths of the elevator, effectively jolting Gaz from her thoughts. She shook her head again and made a face as her hands fell away from the keyboard and instead, grasped the tiny white mouse. She casually dragged the tiny pixel arrow up the screen and clicked the tiny x at the top right hand corner.

! DO YOU WANT TO SAVE THE CHANGES YOU MADE TO ZIMS-TEH-AMAZING-SLASH-BLASTER-SUPER-SIZE-COUNTER-FIC? !

(YES)    (NO)    (CANCEL)

She nonchalantly clicked the NO button, and watched with no small degree of smug satisfaction as the screen plunged into darkness.

(Insert Lard Nar voiceover)

_Well, wasn't that a fun romp through the mental drool! Now aren't you stumbled across this fic? Did you know I'm being forced to do these ending credits at gunpoint? So yes, thank you for the feedback, and I certainly hope you enjoyed reading it half as much as the author enjoyed writing it! _

_... I'm done now... Can I go-OOAGHHH! OK! OK! Not the LEGS!_

_Remember, next time life hands you lemons, grab some salt, order a shot and always remember; It's all in questionably tasteful humor. Please send help. _ 

Ending Rant.

Well... It's what Gaz would most likely do...

And thus ends the enticing tale of how I distracted you long enough to plant that nest of giant fire ants in your basement. I apologize for the crappiness of this chapter, currently I'm rather tired and more than slightly hung over. I may however, go back and do a few quick edits with this chapter much like I did for chapter 4. Once again, many thanks go out to the reviewers, it's you guys that made this fic what it is. What it is however, I leave up to you. Thank you, and good night.


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